Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Tuesday, March 10th

"So, there's a red, thorny something on the passenger seat for you," CJ said, putting his hand on my back and walking a few paces in front of Alex and Natalie, who were also snagging a ride home with CJ from practice.

I gave CJ a look, "What's the occasion?"

"I need to talk to you, that's why I asked you to walk out to get my shoes with me when you got here."

"You should have tried harder, I could have waited to try on the dress," I motioned to the mass of sequins, tulle, and velvet that was in my arms.

"Yeah, I was fighting a loosing battle there," CJ smiled.

I laughed, "You didn't stand a chance, sorry. Trying on the open dress wins. Glad you know your place," I hugged the open smooth dress closer to my chest.

"I know where I stand. Just try and be discreet about the thing," CJ said mysteriously.

"Can do," I nodded.

"But I still need to talk to you, I wasn't counting on guests."

"Drop me and Nat off first, then Alex, and come back to my house?" I suggested.

"Good plan." CJ beamed mischievously.

I successfully snuck the rose in and out of the car without Alex or Natalie noticing by hiding it inside of the ballroom dress, and I only had time to warn my roommates that CJ had to talk to me and swap my pink winter coat for a fleece jacket before CJ called that he was outside.

I slid back into the passenger seat of CJ's car, "So...?" I began.

"It's done. I got Sarah to call me and say that it's over and she's done."

"So she finally got her head screwed on straight?" I raised my eyebrows.

"She finally did and I'm so glad," and in one swift motion, CJ kissed me, "I've been wanting to do that all day."

"You know you screwed me over right?" I said, cutting off CJ's gushing.

"It's not like that-"

"When you get backed into a corner, have some balls and get out of it," I snapped, "If my metaphorical balls are bigger than your real ones, we have a huge problem here."

"I'm sorry Kaitlyn, I really am," CJ took my hands, "I never wanted you to end up in a bad position here, and I didn't want to be in that position, because I like you."

"Have some balls next time!"

CJ hugged me, "I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"I forgive you," I hugged him back.

And then we kissed.

"I finally have a clear head, I just wanted to tell you, I could hardly focus at practice." CJ sighed.

"One question: Did you tell Sarah we slept together?" I asked bluntly.

"Yeah, I told her before she came to Michigan. And she was all 'it's fine,'" CJ shook his head, "She was loosing it, big time."

"You're telling me!"

So we kissed. And the door of the CJ and Kaitlyn just being friends saga officially closed forever.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Friday, February 27

It was 24 degrees outside and it felt like summer, with a fresh breeze lifting my loose curls from my shoulders as I traced the familiar route to the gym. I had a call in shift in the morning that I didn't have to go in for, and had spent the morning luxuriously lounging in bed watching the new season of House of Cards. Spring break had begun, and at 24 and sunny, this was as spring break as it was going to get.

CJ beat me to the gym, with two Pancheros burritos for lunch, "Sorry my breath is going to smell like Mexican food now," he said as we dove into our burritos.

"Well mine is too so that's your fault," I said with a smile. Joey had left that morning for spring break,  and I had thought today would be the first day in weeks that I would go without ballroom practice. CJ was filling in for Joey at my b-team lesson the next day, and suggested we practice before hand so we weren't a total shit show dancing together. CJ had been waiting for this moment for a year and a half now: ever since he became our mentor, CJ told me that if Joey ever had to miss a lesson he would love to fill in. 

We ran waltz and quickstep, dancing with CJ always felt great, and it had been a long time since we seriously worked on dancing together. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was miles beneath him in ability level. CJ still knew loads of moves I didn't, but as far as technique went, we were almost evenly matched. 

Sunlight poured through the windows into the spacious, mirrored room we had all to ourselves. Outside, students in parkas moved swiftly to and from classes. I was grateful for the little escape that was being able to dance, it was it's own temporary world within the hustle of college. Even with as fast as we were moving across the hardwood floor, life seemed to slow down. I didn't have control over anything except the step I was currently taking, not even the next step, and I couldn't dwell on the steps past.

In between a set of quicksteps, CJ kissed me. This was the closest to public that CJ had kissed me in since we opened that can of worms; and I was unsure of if this was going to open to second can.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the name 'Sarah Chen' illuminate on CJ's phone. I pretended I didn't see the text as I turned on House of Cards and dumped the contents of my clean laundry from Yesterday on the foot of my bed. CJ settled on the other side of the bed, his attention on his phone as I folded my laundry and packed for break.  I could sense something was bothering him, but I let him deal with it as I puttsed around and paid attention to my show.

When House of Cards finished, I flipped on How I Met Your Mother. It was CJ's favorite show, and he was forcing me to watch it so I could understand his many references he made to it. It visibly brought his tension down, and once I finished my little odds and ends, I settled down next to him. We sat there comfortably, shoulder to shoulder, for a while. It was a little bit until CJ put his arm around me.

After our second episode of HIMYM, CJ closed the laptop instead of letting the next episode play.  He put his arms around me, "I feel so awful, Sarah's making me feel so bad."

"What's up?" I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"Sarah's just saying shit that I never loved her," CJ buried his head in my shoulder, "And none of it was ever real, and it just makes me feel like crap."

"Well, you know the truth, and sometimes that's all that matters."

We didn't stay on the subject for long, and we didn't keep talking for that long after.

"You know just how to make me feel better," CJ said, after we spent several minutes making out.

"I'm good at that," I smirked.

He did seem happier, but what guy wouldn't when he had a cute gal pal to make out with?

Did this make me some rebound chick, when he was texting his recent ex one minute and sliding his hand up my shirt the next?

"Stupid practice rule," CJ groaned.

"You made it!" I tossed back, "Plus I don't have to go to practice, my partner's in another state."

"Stop tempting me."

"The day doesn't end after practice. There's a thing called tonight." I noted. After yesterday's afternoon sex, we made a rule that we had to have sex an hour before practice, minimum, to give our legs time to recover.

"Are you sure you're leaving tomorrow?"

"Gotta get home to the dog."

"I'll pick you up after practice to pregame and then we can go to Alex's party, and then sleepover?"

"Sounds like a plan," I smiled and CJ kissed me deeply.

He kissed me goodbye in my living room, and I felt the stings of a nearly-public kiss for the second time in a day.

Two hours later, my VS yoga pants and blue tank were swapped for skinny jeans and an edgy velvet accented babydoll tank. Paired with tan fringe wedge booties and a grey knee-length duster cardigan, the outfit was completely house party appropriate.

My mauve nails clutched a tea cup of sweating white zinfandel as CJ sat opposite me at his kitchen table.

"Why do you have to put on lipstick?" CJ pouted.

"I had to see my completed makeup look, duh," I raised my eyebrows, dead serious, "Makeup artist life, get used to it."

"But it's gonna get all over me."

I shrugged, "You're about to shower, who cares?"

CJ reached for my chin and gently brought my lips to his.

I giggled when we broke apart and with my thumb I wiped the glossy stain of my lips from his.

Another glass of wine later, CJ finally got up to shower, "You know what?" CJ said, right before he leaned in to kiss me again, "I don't even care."

I was smiling serenely when I pulled my laptop out of my bag to watch House of Cards while CJ showered. I smirked at the irony of opening Blogger and writing about CJ while at his house. I almost didn't want CJ to get out of the shower.

"You probably shouldn't drunk text Sarah," I suggested bluntly.

One of CJ's elbows was looped with mine and with his other hand, CJ was texting, "I know, I'm trying to wrap up the convo."

"Good move."

CJ didn't succeed and the last time I saw him would be when we arrived at Alex's party and I went straight to the kitchen and CJ went to the bathroom. While I chatted, played beer pong and flip cup, and kept Drunk Whitney alive, CJ spent the entire party on the phone in Alex's room. Alex and I literally kicked down the door when everyone started to leave to make sure he was alive.

At this point, I was regretting leaving my laptop at CJ's. I packed my purse full of beer for Alex's, leaving no room (or desire) to tote my computer around town on a Friday night. I was now facing a pivotal moment called: do I go back to my house and not watch House of Cards until I could get my laptop back from CJ at lesson, or do I go back to CJ's to make sure I had my laptop in my possession?

House of Cards won that battle.

"Kaitlyn," CJ began as I curled up next to him, "Promise me something."

"What?" I asked.

"Promise me you won't break my heart."

I sighed, "And if you were to break mine, I would break your neck."

CJ hugged me, "I really like you."

"I like you too. You're my best friend CJ."

"You're mine too," he kissed me, "I don't feel any pressure with you."

"Things feel... natural between us," I agreed, and from there, I let chemistry take it's course.

For the second time, I woke up naked, cuddled up with my best friend. I liked this new side to our friendship. CJ went to shower before he had to get to lesson, but he never made it in the shower. I heard his voice shaking thought the wall that separated his room from the bathroom. CJ was on the phone and I went back to sleep knowing nothing good could come of this call.

"She's psycho."

I blinked, allowing CJ's form to materialize at the foot of the bed, through my haze of sleep.

"Sarah book a flight. She's coming here tomorrow for three days."

If I thought shit had hit the fan before, I didn't even want to know what was coming. And I couldn't get to Ohio for spring break fast enough. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Thursday, February 26

Thursday was errand day. In our practically-married-couple life, Tuesdays were for doing homework after we both got off work around 3, Wednesdays were for bagels after class, and Thursdays were for errands and homework and evening drinking after dance. Fridays were for work and dance practice instead of going out, Saturdays were for ballroom lessons, and Sundays were for work and more dance. Mondays didn't really have a purpose, as they don't in the grand scheme of life.

Just before noon, CJ picked me up from my house and I trooped down my white porch with the two bags of laundry I needed to do at his house. My washer and dryer were coin operated, and the dryer was currently broken. CJ's washer and dryer were free and fully functional. I slid into the front seat of CJ's car and CJ dropped a white paper bag onto my lap.

"Good morning," CJ smiled.

"Washtenaw Dairy donuts?" I peered into the bag excitedly, a smile spreading across my glossed lips.

"Yep!" CJ confirmed that the beautiful donuts staring up at me were in fresh from the best bakery on campus.

CJ knew that there were two ways to my heart: one was through my stomach, and the other way is through my wardrobe. CJ could only take one path, but he did a good job with it generally.

We went to drop off CJ's dry cleaning, and then came back to his house to do laundry and homework. CJ made us a late lunch, and when I closed my laptop announcing the end of my paper that signaled the end of my month of school doom, I closed my eyes and leaned back against my chair, "It's over," I sighed.

"You did it," CJ held out his hands for a double high five and then held my hands, "So... does this mean it's nap time?"

"It's nap time," I concluded, and like the naive idiot I am, I thought nap time meant nap time. Like nap time on Monday when we both ended up snuggling in my bed.

We were snuggling in CJ's lofted full bed, his arms tightly around me, and for some reason we were talking about clothes. I was telling the story of the sweater I was wearing when CJ cut me off, "I only see one problem with this sweater-"

"What's wrong with my sweater?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.

"It's that you're wearing it."

"Why would this sweater look better on someone else? I can pull anything off," I snapped.

CJ rolled his eyes, "It's a sex joke."

I rolled over and glared at CJ, "We do not make sex jokes about clothes, clothes are serious business."

"You're ridiculous," CJ laughed, and his hand brushed along my jawline, guiding my lips to his.

It wasn't long until my pale grey v-neck sweater came off, and I pulled off CJ's striped henley.

"Wh-what is that?" CJ asked, staring at my white lace bralette.

I giggled, "It's a bralette."

"Is it like, a short cami?"

"Essentially. It's a bra that can be used as an accessory too."

CJ paused, "How do I take it off?"

I laughed, and pulled off the bralette, to reveal the yellow lace bra I had underneath. CJ reached to snap it off, unsuccessfully.

"Want some help?" I smiled.

"Uh, yes," CJ smiled back, and I unclasped my own bra, tossing it to the side of the bed where the  the pile of our clothes were growing.

I could see the the sun beginning to set behind the slats of the shades, orange stripes of sunlight  glowing on CJ's untucked sheets and across our entwined bodies. My heart was racing when we found ourselves at the same point we were at Tuesday night, and Wednesday morning, when we stopped.

CJ flipped me beneath him, and he kissed my throat, the side of my neck, all the way to my ear, "I'm going to fuck you now."

"Ok," I smiled, and CJ smiled back, before hopping off the bed. I heard the unmistakable rip of a condom wrapper.

"If I dare say so myself, I'm quite good in bed,"  CJ said, crawling on top of me.

"This is the one occasion I won't call you out on your massive head," I rolled my eyes, and we laughed, "Truth be told, I have no idea what I'm doing."

"All evidence to the contrary so far!"

"Guys aren't exactly pounding down my door to have sex with me," I admitted, only the slightest bit of sarcasm biting at my tone.

"I have a hard time believing that," CJ said, "Have you never-?"

"There's only been two other guys, it's not exactly loads of experience but-"

CJ cut me off with a kiss, "I can roll with that."

Something was different with CJ than it was the other two times I had sex: it felt natural. It was as if this new physical relationship was just an extension of the deep connection we already had. It was fun, and we could be ourselves, I didn't feel like I needed to impress CJ in bed. The naturalness of it all felt so right.

A while later, we heard the apartment door open and the sound of footsteps ascending the stairs, "Shh," CJ said to me, "Yev's back, we have to be quiet now."

"Damn," I hissed.

I had no idea how we got to this place. Physically, we were laying together on CJ's bed, both of us exhausted. But beyond that, how had we gone from friends, to friends with feelings? How had we gone from friends with feelings, to friends who actually acted on their feelings? How had we-

"Oh my God!" I was forced to stifle my laughter into CJ's chest.

"What is happening?" CJ was trying not to laugh. We had heard Yev, talking on the phone, troop down the stairs a moment ago, "I swear he was going to go to the gym-"

There was now a female voice joining Yev's as we heard footsteps ascend up the stairs.

"How did he not tell me he had a girl coming over?" CJ said, "Our stuff is all over the kitchen table, he would usually knock on the door and tell me to clean up or something-"

"Oh come on, Yev's not an idiot, he had to know we were hooking up-"

"But how-"

"My coat is on the chair, and my bag is next to it. And your coat is on the floor, and your pile of mismatched socks is still on the table. And we are nowhere to be seen!"

"You've got a point," CJ nodded, "And you're not that quiet," CJ winked.

"Shut up," I said, shoving him.

CJ and I laughed and then he pulled me in close, "This is about to be real awkward."

"Ok, we need a plan of attack: how do we escape the house with the least amount of awkwardness?"

And we spent a few moments scheming, before we pulled on our clothes, CJ having to drop me off at home before going to practice. As I pulled on my black lace thong, I was acutely conscious of CJ's eyes on my ass, watching my every action of adjusting my underwear. How had we come to this point?

"Ok, ready?" CJ asked I as adjusted my ponytail so that it hopefully looked less of a mess.

"How do I look? Not like we've been having sex? Not that it's any mystery..."

"You look fine," CJ said, and he wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me in close and kissing me before unlocking the door.

We said a quick hello to Yev and the girl, CJ darted for the bathroom, and I made small talk as I pulled on my coat, grabbed CJ's car keys and laundry bag and raced down the stairs and out the door as fast as socially acceptable. I kicked open the door to the basement, piling CJ's last load of laundry into his laundry bag and then skating across the frozen street to his car.

A few minutes later, CJ joined me, with my two bags of clean laundry, "I just suffered such a dilemma: Yev's girl's bag was right by your laundry and I wasn't sure if it was yours or not, and I thought about it for a long while and then noticed there was a container in there that she brought Yev cookies in the other day, so I realized it wasn't yours."

"So moral of the story: you almost stole her purse?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," CJ looked and me and we laughed, "Ok, also we need a new rule: we have to do this at least an hour before practice, my legs are going to be so sore."

"At least I've got a solid two and a half hours to recover, but we can make that a thing," I smiled.

Through the bay window in my bedroom, my roommates all witnessed CJ lean over and kiss me goodbye when he dropped me off, and I was forced through their interrogation before I ended up on the phone with Alyssa. Midway through the phone call, CJ came over to raid my pantry under the offer of driving me to practice for food. I liked that I didn't have to entertain him, merely throw a salmon burger in the microwave and point him in the direction of my cheetos. He plopped down on the couch with my roommates and I returned to my room to finish my conversation. That was friendship.

"Yeah, gotta be at least an hour before practice next time, I was such a mess," CJ said when we left for practice, "I kept telling Alison I didn't know what was wrong, but yeah right."

"Three hours later, I feel fine," I shrugged, "Did you get anything done at practice?"

"Yeah," CJ said, and continued about his practice while my thoughts flew back to three hours earlier. I was still slightly in shock, I couldn't believe that it actually happened, let alone how intuitive it felt.

"Oh yeah," I stirred from my reverie to answer CJ's question about what I needed him to help us on today, "We need the explosions for Viennese Waltz. I just hope a million newbies don't ask us questions like they always do when we practice at the studio, it's so unproductive for us."

"Just pawn them off on me, I'm just going to be there helping my newbies, and you guys."

"Thanks," I smiled as CJ snagged a parking space. We kissed before leaving the car, and when I went into the studio, CJ went to 7/11 for another bag of cheetos. This way, it was less conspicuous that we came to practice together. It was only force of habit that I was careful about making sure CJ and I didn't seem too tightly involved in public, maybe now I could stop caring, CJ was single after all.

As practice continued, it didn't feel like anything was different between us. I would catch CJ watching us dance, out of the corner of his eye, when he was helping his new mentee couples, but that was normal. It felt like it was last year, we were best friends again, now we were just best friends who had sex. And by the sounds of it, this wasn't about to be a one time deal.... And I was completely ok with that.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Wednesday, February 25th

From the reaches of deep sleep, I scraped the surface of consciousness to wonder why I wasn't wearing pants. There was a pair of bare legs against my own, and I had only a moment to recall what had happened a few hours previous, before sleep pulled me under again...

Every morning, I wake up the House of Cards theme song as my alarm clock. This particular Wednesday, I woke up to the pair of arms around me stirring. My eyes, heavy with yesterday's mascara fluttered open, and I felt something else flutter in my stomach.

I never thought this day would come. In all honesty, I don't think I ever saw myself waking up in CJ Anslow's arms. Let alone, waking up naked in his arms.

I felt the weight of CJ's head disappear from the pillow next to me, and I only had my eyes open for a few moments before he leaned over and kissed me, and they instinctively closed once again.

"Good morning," CJ said, pulling away from me, just an inch.

"Good morning," I echoed, running a hand through his hair, and lifting my face to his to kiss him again. My hand settled at the nape of his neck, and when we broke apart, I ran my thumb along his jawline. When CJ smiled, he smiled with his entire face. I had only a minute to see that smile before he kissed me again. CJ's hand clasped around the back of my neck, holding me close, and our kiss deepened.

"This is a great way to start the day," CJ whispered in my ear.

"I couldn't agree more," I trailed a line of kisses from just underneath CJ's ear to his collarbone.

"I haven't wanted to stop kissing you since I started," CJ said.

"Then don't," I breathed, and I kissed his lips.

Our kisses were only interrupted by CJ's alarm, which wasn't the House of Cards theme song. CJ reached over to turn the alarm off on his phone, and instead of replacing his hand where it had been clasped with mine, he let it rest on my thigh. It wasn't long until that hand found itself between my thighs, and only a short while later until CJ's beaming face disappeared down there as well.

"Don't you have an exam at 9am?" I said, slightly out of breath when CJ kissed me on the lips again.

"I set an early alarm," CJ smirked.

"Smart move," My smirk matched his and I pushed him over so I was on top of him, and I spent a few delirious minutes kissing CJ before I kissed my way down his torso. He held my hair out of my face as I went down on him, and kissed me furiously when he finished.

The sun was beaming through the slots of the shades when we finally made it out of bed, "I set the early alarm intending to shower before my exam," CJ said, pulling on a fresh pair of American Eagle boxers as I dug my VS black lace panties out of the pile of our plaid flannel PJ pants and white undershirts that we had abandoned the night before.

"Well, gold star for trying," I said with unnecessary peppiness.

CJ chuckled, "It was worth it," he held out a hand to help me jump down from his lofted bed, and when I made it to the ground, he kissed me on the forehead, "I still don't want to stop kissing you."

"You should stop this time, or we'll miss the bus," I smiled sweetly.

"At least one of us has got it together," CJ smiled, kissing me once more and then heading into the bathroom.

I pulled on the black dress I wore to our ballroom lesson yesterday and the black fleece-lined tights I had paired with it. This felt so morning after, so college, but it didn't feel wrong. When it was my turn to spend a few seconds in the bathroom, I couldn't help but laugh at how not-Kaitlyn I looked: I was wearing last night's dress, my sex hair was out of control, my mascara was smudged, and my sketched-on eyebrows had been long since wiped away. I didn't care. For the few seconds I would face other people on the bus, I knew I could simply flip up the hood of my green twill parka and it would hide both the hair and the eyebrows. But it couldn't hide the fact that I couldn't stop smiling at the thought of how yesterday had ended and how today had began.

"Do you want coffee?" CJ asked, motioning to the boiling water on the stove.

"I'm good," I yawned, stretching my arms over my head, "I think I'll survive the next half an hour until I make it to my house and can make better coffee than you have."

"Ok good, because I don't have another travel mug," CJ said, throwing his laptop in his backpack, "I'm so distracted now, there's no way I'm going to focus on this exam."

"If you fail this exam and don't get your master's degree, don't blame me," I pulled on my parka.

"Are you ready for your exam today?" CJ asked.

"I didn't exactly do anymore studying between the time we stopped studying last night and now, and yet I'm still feeling fine about it. Your exam is done at 10:30 right?"

"Yeah, are you going to your morning class?"

"Nope, skipping to study more for the afternoon exam. Want to meet for bagels after your exam?"

"It's Wednesday!" CJ smiled excitedly. Every Wednesday, the Alumni Center offered free coffee and bagels for students, "Of course!"

"I might go home and nap before I meet you, be jealous."

"And I'll be napping during your exam, so suck it," CJ said, before we grabbed our things and headed out the door of his apartment. I got off the bus closer to my house and CJ kept riding all the way to his class on North Campus. When I passed the familiar Med Frat where James Hammond lived, I found myself oddly grateful for winter.

James and I lived exactly one block apart, and one summer morning when I found myself over at his house after spending the night, I made him give me a shirt to walk the one block home in, instead of wearing the sheer sequin tank I had worn the night before. I was grateful for my parka that was disguising the dress that was inappropriate for barely 9am on a Wednesday. I had successfully weaseled my way out of every walk of shame I might have had to take. College done right.

A pot of coffee was already brewing before I abandoned the black dress and stepped into the shower. By 10:30 when I left my house to meet CJ, my hair was back to voluminous, my skin glowing with having finally washed off my makeup and applying it fresh, and the coffee had given me to boost to not worry about how late CJ and I had been up the night before.

Meeting CJ for bagels was one of those brilliant ideas I sometimes have: the main purpose was for us to have a few minutes for us to just be friends in light of the events of the previous night and morning. It worked, we parted ways with a hug, and I knew we wouldn't see each other until dance practice much later.

CJ drove me back from dance later that night, and when he dropped me off at my house, he kissed me goodbye.

That was when I knew that this was something real.