#Amandawho?

"And guess what?" Brandy said over the phone.


"What?" I asked eagerly.


"Ianhasa-" she whispered.


"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," I said as I shoved a finger in the ear that wasn't glued to my piece of shit smartphone.


"Hold on-" she said and I knew she was hurrying to a place in the restaurant where she wouldn't be overheard. Even though Brandy and I had developed a way of discussing the most secretive things in the most discreet way when we were working together, some things just had to be said, "Ok. Ian has a hickey."


I let out a bark of mirthless laughter, "Seriously?"


"I never thought I would see that day," Brandy said, and I could tell she had rejoined the cast of characters that we worked with at our little pizzeria.


"I thought he was classier than that," I said cooly, my lips curling dangerously, "I guess Amanda isn't."


"She's probably not," Brandy laughed, "Well I've got to roll some silverware and get out of here."


"Just tell Ian to talk to me tomorrow about switching shifts, I'll see you Friday!"


"I'll text you later," Brandy said, and I hung up my phone with a shake of my head. I rolled my eyes as returned to my calculus homework, unfazed.



A few hours later, a text buzzed in from Ian (and his now questionable level-of-classiness). It began as it always did, the two of us talking about work. He needed me to take a shift. Our conversation changed to his birthday party this weekend, which I had been invited to attend by both him and his sister. When he mentioned that there would be loads of single guys and girls at the party, I countered by saying they only counted if they were hot.

To which he responded that he wouldn't be one of them.

My moment was here at last. He was trying to throw me off my game, catch me off guard. But he obviously forgot whom he was dealing with here. One of my favorite parts of being me is that I simply happen to know everything. The things I knew about Ian in particular would come as a shock to him. I didn't even let on how much I knew about him: from the failure of his last heartbreaking relationship to which one of his dogs likes to eat his boxers.

I had been keeping what I called the 'Amanda Card' in my back pocket for weeks now, and I had been dying to play it ever since I had found out. Now was my perfect moment to throw it on the table.

-Xaylia-


Ahh I was wondering when that would become official, amanda isn't it?



Nice try in attempting to put one over my head. I was one step ahead thanks to being mysteriously all-knowing.

-Ian-


Haha...we'll see how it goes. It's very rare I date a girl, like officially. But that's her. You'll meet her on Saturday.



-Xaylia-

Hahah I know, good luck! Can't wait to meet her



Good luck my ass.


-Ian-

She's got a dry sarcastic sense of humor, so you two will get along. I'll be sure to bring some single guys for you ;)



-Xaylia-

Oh I'm sure we will hahaha Make them hot and we'll be even since I'm taking your shift ;)



-Ian-

They won't be as hot as me, but they'll do for you ;)




And then it was guns out. Ian and I spent the entire rest of the night going at each other. Arguing over who was hotter, who was smarter, trying to out-wit the other. We were locked in battle until Ian spelled wit "whit." I won.


-Xaylia-


Me and my sassy sense of humor are going to bed, I'll see you and your "whit" tomorrow;)



-Xaylia-


*My sassy sense of humor and I



-Ian-


Wow I hate you. See you at work grandma. I remember my first bedtime.



-Xaylia-


Awhh and you're a bitch =) 8am calc 3 tomorrow #smartgirlproblems



-Ian-


#excuseproblems



-Xaylia-


#perfectlyvalidexcuse



-Xaylia-


#thankyouverymuch



-Ian-


#85yearsold



-Ian-


#lame



-Xaylia-


#admit it #youwannakeeptalkingtome



-Xaylia-


#gotcha ;)



-Ian-


#;)



-Ian-


#youwantmetoo



-Xaylia-


#whyruinallthefun #inyourdreams



-Xaylia-


Nighty night mr "whit" ;)



-Ian-


Night woman ;)



What were we? Friends with winky faces? Forever locked in nothing more than a flirtationship? But by the amount and the context of the winky faces in my text message inbox, I wondered how much faith he really had in this new relationship. And I couldn't help but wonder if he still had a slight thing for his little sister's best friend. 
Or was he playing me? Flirting with me because he knows I'm one of the few girls who's as good at it as he is? But he wasn't playing me, because I've known about Amanda since the return of the winky faces. Just goes to show how much he values her. If he's playing me, I was playing him right back. 
That was the thing about us: we both knew how to play the game, and we could play it well. The chemistry between us was why we were each other's biggest competition. But could either of us win? Or would victory be ending up together in the end?

The Return of the ;)

-Ian-
You working with me tonight?

I sighed as I saw the text message buzz in on my phone, "Brandy, what am I going to do?"
"You've got to act like you don't know," my coworker and friend Brandy said as I paced around the kitchen of her apartment.
"But it's so hard! I'm dying to tell him I know, but Jen said I've got to keep its secret and ugh," I plopped down on the couch, staring at the screen of my phone and pondering a response.
"Since you pretend around Jen that you didn't hook up with her brother, you can pretend around Ian that you don't know about his almost-girlfriend," Brandy tried to reassure me.
"Easier said than done in this case," I muttered darkly.
I happened to know a lot of things about people that I shouldn't and Ian was no different. I happened to know a lot more about him in particular than I was letting on.
This was the downside to being all-knowing: sometimes I had to pretend I was just as oblivious as the average bear.

"I think that table there is requesting you," Ian said nodding to a pair of guys who had just walked into our tiny pizzeria.
I raised my eyebrows, "Its your turn," I smiled darkly. They were ugly and nerds.
"Weren't you just saying how all these tables are requesting the 'the good looking guy waiter' to be their server?" I quoted him as he returned with the drink orders from the ugly guys.
"Maybe I'll slip them your number'" Ian said teasingly.
He could have never left for two months in London. Things were as normal between us as they always were: the witty banter, the backhanded flirting, the teasing. It was another day at work with Xaylia and Ian. The days where it was just the two of us waiting tables were always the best; we could flirt without anyone else catching on and had each others' undivided attention.
"You coming up for the tailgate on Saturday?" Ian asked me as I took the seat across the table from him as he rolled silverware.
"I don't know, I was planning on going up in two weeks and I don't want to take off two Saturdays in a row, I would probably get fired," I rolled my eyes. I wouldn't get fired but this place wouldn't run nearly as smoothly without me to call the shots up front.
"Well next week is also my birthday party so you've got to come up for that," Ian said.
I already knew that of course, "I've got to ask, what is the appeal for you, now out of college, to go up to Michigan State to party?"
"Jennifer," he answered instantly, "we always try and celebrate our birthdays together."
Their family was close, it was cute, " Ahh I see. I do have another party I'm going to that night but I'll grace you with my presence," I grinned.
Amanda, the almost-girlfriend, was on the tip of my tongue as we chatted about our weekend plans for the upcoming few weeks.
"My birthday party will be the first time we party together, in public," Ian said added that last part with a sly smile that I returned.
"Us in public? What a weird concept," I added dryly.
As I drove home I recounted the events of our first shift together again to Sarah when I saw a text pop up on my screen, "Sarah he seriously never left, it's just like it always is. He just texted me, like he always would after we worked together."
Then the winky faces mysteriously worked their way back into our conversation and the last text I responded to before i drifted to sleep hours later referenced one of our past "sexy hot time meetings." I couldn't help but wonder if Jen didn't have the full story when she told me abut Amanda because guys who like someone else shouldn't be sending so many winky face to another girl. Especially one who happens to be an expert in interpreting their meanings... And who happens to know a bit more than she should...

'Break-Ups' Kill Me

"I feel like I'm still drunk," Sarah said, blinking in the beam of sunlight that was spreading through the folds of the shades onto our lofts.
"That means it was a good night," I said with a yawn, despite the fact that I had been awake for at least the past half-hour.
I could never sleep when I drank. I don't know what it was, but I would get maybe four hours of sleep max, and be perfectly fine until 6pm when I would crash.
The sunlight streamed through the amber leaves of the trees as Sarah and I made our way down the shop lined street of her college campus, clutching iced Starbucks drinks in our hands.
"I think I overreacted," I sighed, "about kissing Steve."
"You finally came around?" Sarah said, taking a sip of her iced carmel macchiato.
"I'm over it," I shrugged, "Shit happens. He was cute. And a senior."
"That's my girl," Sarah said, holding out her drink and we clinked our plastic cups together in a toast.

"So I was talking to Ian," Jen began.
I raised one eyebrow. Jen, Sarah, Jen's boyfriend David, and I were all watching the game in David's apartment, catching up for a few moments before Sarah and I had to head home. I had to work and Sarah was going home for the night with me.
"And he says you need to talk to Andrew Kang."
"Why?"
"Because he's still into you, and you need to stop leading him on."
"Me? Leading him on?" I stared at her incredulously, "Jennifer, I haven't talked to him at all in like a week! He asked me out, it didn't work out, I was busy."
"Well he talks about you all the time."
"What am I supposed to say? He's a nice guy, he really is, but I just don't find him that attractive," I admitted.
"That you don't like him!"
"How am I supposed to do that?"
"Text him, just be honest!"
"Jen, that's a lot easier said than done if I want to try and be a nice person."
"Jen's right," Sarah interjected.
"What?"
"Thanks Sarah," Jen said with a smile.
"Just text him," Sarah said.
I sighed, "Fine. I'll brainstorm something on the way home."

"I CAN'T DO THIS!" I shouted, once-again death gripping the wheel of my car, "This is so mean, and so insensitive, and it's like breaking up with someone I was never even with and-"
"And what?" Sarah said, re-reading the perfect text I had managed to compose.
"I've got to call Andrew."
"What?" Sarah exclaimed, "We're going to text him, it's easier!"
"Not that Andrew," I said quickly, "Andrew Davis. He's Andrew Kang's best friend, I've got to warn someone on the other side of the fence what I'm about to do."
"Fine, that's a good idea, and Xaylia, this text is really good! It's nice, but it lets him down easily."
"I wish I didn't have to text him, it's seems insensitive."
"Me and Jen both say to text him-"
"If I could do this in person, it would be perfect."
"You are so weird," Sarah said with a laugh.
"Call Andrew Davis," I commanded my car.
After a few rings, he picked up, "Xaylia, what's up girl?"
"Hey Andrew," I said, "Ok, look I'm about to do something, and I've got to warn you."
"What are you doing?"
"Ian told Jen, to tell me, to tell Andrew Kang that I don't like him," I said.
"Why?"
"Because apparently he's still hung up on me, and I wasn't trying to lead him on or anything, and I don't see why this is necessary, but they're convinced-"
"Hold on, how are you going to tell him this?"
"Jen and Sarah say to text him-"
"Don't text, that's so insensitive."
"My thoughts exactly-"
"Call him, be honest."
"I just thought I'd warn you, being his best friend and all."
"Yeah, thanks," Andrew said, "I just got into Tulsa, so good luck, I'll give you a call tonight or something, ok?"
"Sounds good," I smiled, "Talk to you later."

Twenty minutes later, I was pacing in circles on Sarah's driveway, waiting for an answer, "Maybe he won't pick up," I said optimistically to Sarah.
"Hello?"
Shit, "Hey Andrew, it's Xaylia, d-did I wake you up?" his voice sounded groggy. Maybe he was out of town? He worked for an airline, he was one of those guys who it was hard to know where in the world he was...
"Um, yeah..."
"Oh my God, I'm sorry," I paced more rapidly, "I'll call you back later or something-"
"No, no it's ok, I needed to wake up," he insisted, "What's up?"
"Um, ok, listen, I just think I owe it to you to tell you this," I took a deep breath, "You are a super nice guy Andrew, but I really only see us as friends. I'm sorry, I know this is horrible of me to say, but I just don't want you to have the wrong idea here, and I'm so sorry if I've ever given you the wrong idea. And I'm still your friend, whether you want me to be or not, you're a fun guy and we have a great time together, but I just felt like I should be honest here. I'm really sorry," I added again, cringing inwardly.
"Um," Kang paused, "Wow, that was... no one's ever been that honest with me before."
"I'm sorry, this is an absolute horrible way to start your day-"
"No, thank you," Kang said, "Like you've got some serious balls to just tell me that. It's great!"
"Wait, really?"
"Yeah, anyone else would have just kept me in the dark, but you just put it all out there," he said, and I swear I detected a note of appreciation in his voice, "This doesn't change anything between us, right?"
"Oh totally not," I said quickly, "I mean, you're free to hate me once you're a bit more conscious, but it's all the same for me."
"Good," Kang said, "Thanks for telling me."
"So where are you that you're just now waking up?" I asked, and then conversation flowed as normal.
I ended the call feeling strangely good about the situation. Maybe it was my inner alpha coming out, or maybe it was just a stroke of good fortune; but I had pulled that off...flawlessly.
Even though I still thought it was as necessary as getting run over by a bus.