Thursday, February 12, 2015

Friday, February 6th

Like the cool college student that I am, my Friday night consisted of dance practice. It felt like last year and Joey and I shared our racquetball court with CJ and Alison. Our ballroom dream team was back together. The four of us knew how to practice with each other: we never ran into the other couple, CJ and Alison gave us occasional advice in exchange for us videotaping a move here or there.

Sweaty from practice, CJ and I met our friend Cassie to study at my house. Two of my roommates were also doing homework, and after a few hours of productivity we all made a McDonalds run. Upon return from the Land of Chicken Nuggets, CJ and Cassie and I dumped Bailey's in our vanilla milkshakes. 

When Cassie left a little while later, CJ and I cracked open a bottle of wine. My studying roommates had retreated to their rooms, and CJ and I didn't even bother to turn on the TV or watch a movie, or do anything. We just sat sat on the couch and talked. We talked until the rest of the roommates got home from the bars.

When the rest of the roommates left to sleep off their drunkenness, our conversation resumed, our bottle of wine was polished off, and CJ's arm snaked around my shoulders. The arm-around-the-shoulder was just the impetus for us to end up snuggling on the couch. 

The night that we drank two bottles of wine and cuddled, there was a bubbling sexual tension beneath everything. The night were we ended up talking in my bed had been subtly flirty, texting the waters of where were now. If there was a way to describe this cuddle, it was romantic. There was a level of comfort to how CJ held me on the couch, each touched seemed to show a familiarity with each other. It was a familiarity where each embrace was just an extension of the mental connection between us. 

We just talked, we talked about our childhoods, our families, life post graduation, our friends, and dance, and each other.

We talked about how much we missed each other last semester, how much it meant to have each other back in our lives once again.

And then the conversation turned to Sarah.

It was a good thing that I have a heart of stone because I don't think any girl should have to hear a guy talk about another girl while laying next to him. 

"We haven't talked in a week," CJ admitted, "And before that," CJ pulled his phone from the side table and pulled up their text thread, "Hardly anything, and all I get are one word responses."

"You should deal with this CJ, you really should talk to her," I looked just over the phone screen so I couldn't read the texts. I felt like I was looking at something far too personal. 

"I know," CJ said softly and set his phone down.

I looked back at CJ and saw that his eyes were full of tears, "The more you put it off, the harder its going to be."

"I'm scared, I don't know what's going to happen," CJ admitted, not meeting my eyes.

"And what do you think is going to happen if you just don't do anything? Things aren't going to magically work themselves out."

"I just don't know Kaitlyn, I don't know what to say, I don't know what she's going to say, I don't know what I want to happen," CJ said, a tear escaping.

"Life is full of unknowns, we all have to face them at some point," I said softly, "Just go in with a clear head, figure out what you want."

CJ nodded.

"You can do it, it might suck and it'll be hard, but you can do it," I reached over and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"You're the best Kaitlyn," CJ pulled me even closer, "Even though you do make me confused sometimes, I'm glad I've got you. And I think you're 95% of the reason I got out of my depression."

"Don't you forget it," I said into his chest. I looked up to see CJ studying me, this wasn't the first time I had gotten this look tonight. I looked back at him, and I could see the cogs turning in his mind. I looked straight back at him, our eyes locking. 

This had to be the third time all night that we stared into each other's eyes saying nothing, and each time I swear I could see one thought rolling through his mind. As I looked back, each time, I was silently daring him to reveal what I knew he was thinking. 

But CJ never kissed me. 

We nearly fell asleep on the couch together, talking until it reached 4:45am, and I said I should get up and go to bed. CJ held me closer, "Stay here just a little bit longer."

It was 5am when I ended up in my bed, and it wasn't until 5am when I realized what was really happening here: CJ was dating Sarah, in name only. And CJ was only not cheating on Sarah, in name only. CJ hadn't, and wouldn't, act on the feelings he had for me that would be blatantly considered cheating. He wouldn't kiss me. But he would tell me about his childhood, cry in front of me, text me every second that we weren't together, and cuddle with me when we were. He would bring me food, take me to McDonald's, listen to me bitch, and give me advice when I needed it. There's cheating, and then there's cuddling with your best gal pal until 5am discussing your lives: and I was beginning to think they were the same damn thing.  

When the day of reckoning with Sarah comes, all hell is going to break loose. 

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