Sunday, January 20, 2013

Knitting Problems

This was one of those times where I wished I was a cryer: one of those people who could just cry it all out and feel a little bit better about life. I haven't really truly cried since my Junior year of high school. There have been three occasions since where tears have come from my eyes, but it wasn't that my-soul-is-pouring-from-my-eyes cry. I'm not really good with emotions like that.
It was a chilly Saturday evening when I should have been studying, or out partying (if I had friends that lived less than an hour away), but instead I found myself curled up in my bed, aggressively knitting a striped scarf, and feeling a little bit down, which was an emotion I tended to avoid.
I was hitting another point where nothing seemed to be working out, or just a stroke of incredibly bad luck. 
I shouldn't be feeling this, considering at the beginning of this week I had gotten admitted to the University of Michigan, but maybe with the weight of that off my shoulders, everything else was coming into sharper perspective. 
I had lost a friend.
Jen, to be exact. 
She was back with her ex-boyfriend, she was going to Michigan State. She had her "dream" guy and was at her dream school, and she didn't have time for the one person who was there for her when she didn't have it all. When her boyfriend dumped her, and she found herself wait-listed at MSU; I was there. I held her hand. And every time I had tried to reach out to her after she left for school with her ex, she left my hand hanging. I would like to say she's really busy with school, and her sorority, and her boyfriend, and living the college life, but that's all one big excuse. You're never too busy for friends. If you're "too busy" to keep a relationship with someone, then you're not friends. People make time for their priorities. And my friendship is no longer one of Jen's priorities. 
I must not even matter any more, because she didn't bother to acknowledge in any way that I got into Michigan. She doesn't care. That's all I can guess is the reason for the radio silence on her end of our old friendship.
I value my friends more than anything, I really do. I'm the Queen of emotional detachment in most situations, but friendships were never one of them. Things dissolving with Jen made me feel like maybe I need to remove my emotions from that sector of my life as well, and I won't feel hurt like this. But If I was to do that, what else would I be holding onto?
And then there is my disaster of a love life. Need I elaborate on what else isn't working out for me, just like it always doesn't? My faith in the guys of the world had been momentarily restored, and it was basically gone again. Congrats Xaylia, you met a guy who actually met your standards. Oh sucks for you, he has a girlfriend now, and his girlfriend is basically you, but older and less pretty. 

She even fucking knits. 

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